Take your brown bread and shove it while I do a jig on your head.

i.e. Why I no longer like St. Patrick's Day

These are big words for a girl who once lived in Ireland. I was going to meet the guy I met on okcupid for our second date, scheduled the Sunday before St. Pats. He asked me what I wanted to do and I was all for anything except Madison’s St. Patrick’s Day parade. Last year I was in Chicago for the parade. Spent the eve of the parade eating too much fried food and drinking cocktails in Bucktown. This left me with a sore tummy that kept me seated in the pub balcony. I had a great view of my boyfriend at the time flirting with a woman, friend of a friend, who looked resplendent in green. I went home at 2 a.m. with our host and two other friends to our host’s condo. My ex thought I was making up my stomach woes and told me he was staying out with the others. I barely slept, waiting for him to return, which he never did. He crashed in our other friends’ hotel room, neglected to let me know this. I never got a response to my call and text, finally getting a text response from one of my friend’s at 5 a.m. saying he was there. So yeah, the parade found me tired, cold, somewhat hungover and pissed. And I missed the green river…again. I lived in Chicago for two years and never saw it then either. The ex finally tried to make contact during the parade between noon and 1 p.m. For some strange reason, I didn’t feel like answering. I didn’t see him until 3 p.m. in the afternoon. This whole experience did not make for a pleasant association with a previously fave holiday. Let’s return to St. Patrick’s Day 2009, shall we? So I suggested a museum and drinks instead. We headed to the Chazen, talked art in a friendly non-pretentious way, and then headed to the High Noon for Trad Irish Music and Irish Dancing. Afterwards we grabbed dinner and then he kissed me when I dropped him off by his car. He’s not shy - he also hugged me after the first date. This is perhaps where I went wrong (or rather where I distinguished myself as not easy). My part in both these equations is awkward. That’s just the way I am until I get to know someone better. I’m likely never going to be the sort of girl to make contact with your tonsils on the second date. Okay, so there was that year or so in my mid-twenties where I gave this approach a shot. I’ve since determined that it was very much not my style. Before this kiss, I mentioned that the High Noon was turning into my official St. Patrick’s Day hub of 2009 since I was heading there for the Kisser’s show on the actual St. Pat’s Day. I invited him and strangely he showed up albeit with a perplexing disinterested attitude. He left at 11 p.m. since there was a looming deadline, asking me “If I was sticking around.” I said “yes” not realizing that perhaps this was code for “let’s go outside and make-out” or even more likely “let’s go f*^K.” He mentioned getting together the following week. Not hearing a thing by Wednesday I sent a little exploratory e-mail, “how was your weekend etc…” After a day without response I get a “you’re great (damn straight I am) but let’s just be friends” e-mail. Sure, do you know what I do with my friends? Kick them in the balls, hard. No, I’m not really that angry, just disappointed. And perplexed that he was the one that pursued me for the most part. Not that a strong pattern can be determined after such a short time, but damn. Ok, so his “looking for” included “casual encounters” as well as “short-term and long-term dating” but I assumed he had read my profile and the fact that “casual encounters” were not listed there. So my synopsis of the whole experience is that I was determined cute but unlikely to put out with haste. True. Okcupid and I have since parted ways, not really because the above experience, but mostly because of the messages I’ve received from 47-year olds in Illinois, skeet-shooters and other questionable characters. I just don’t have the time to think of polite ways to say, “I am not into you AT ALL.” Read my profile, guys. Or rather don’t ‘cause it’s too late – account deleted. I think I will stick with the friend-approved potential dates when I return to such endeavors. For now, I have much to keep me occupied, between freelance, schoolwork, training for an 8k run and a 44-mile kayak excursion. So yeah, suck it boys that don’t like me back!!! I reserve the right to compare you to fish, buses and other unflattering things. And maybe, just maybe I'll find it in my heart to wear green by March 17th of next year.